Paranormal Blacktivity
by TheMosquitoMan
Summary: The screenplay for a movie about the struggles of the Agents of B.U.C.K.L.E.R as they battle to protect Meth City from the invading Tunnel Snakes and various other threats. Parody of everything ever. Allusion to the blaxploitation genre that gave us such gems as Blacula.


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PARANORMAL BLACKTIVITY

By

Marcus Dodds: The Mosquito Man

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FADE IN:

EXT. TUNNEL SNAKE SPACESHIP – SPACE

The ship is approaching an Earth-like planet. It passes near a satellite and fires a laser at it. The satellite is destroyed.

INT. TUNNEL SNAKE SPACESHIP BRIDGE – SPACE

TUNNEL SNAKES, human sized green snakes, sit at monitors around the sides of the room. TUNNEL SNAKE 1 and TUNNEL SNAKE 2 sit on the far left. The TUNNEL KING, a tunnel snake with the head flaps some snakes have, sits in the middle of the room, looking over the others. He currently watches a large screen showing the destroyed satellite and he manically hiss-laughs.

TUNNEL SNAKE 1

Target desssssstroyed, your… um… (turns to TUNNEL SNAKE 2)issssss there a word ussssssed to adresssssss monarchssssss that doessssssn't have an 's' in it? Thissssss hisssssssing issssss really inconvenient.

TUNNEL SNAKE 2 makes an attempt at shrugging, his lack of shoulders turns into more of an awkward whole body ripple. TUNNEL KING's laugh finishes.

TUNNEL KING

That will hinder our enemiessssss well. Ssssssoon we will arrive and avenge my murdered brother by desssssstroying their planet.

TUNNEL KING resumes his laughter.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. THE HINDENBURG FIRST CLASS - DAY

MR B and MR N, two identical looking black men dressed like rappers, sit next to each other. A TICKET COLLECTOR approaches up the aisle from the front, he looks uninterested as he skims over the tickets of the upper class PASSENGERS. He passes MR B and MR N then stops in his

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tracks. He takes a step backwards to draw up alongside MR B and MR N and looks at them with suspicion.

TICKET COLLECTOR

Who are you?

MR B

I'm Mr B

MR N

I'm Mr N

MR B AND MR N

We're on a mission, bitch.

TICKET COLLECTOR

How did you get into first class, you're black.

MR B

Yo, we got tickets man.

MR B and MR N hold up tickets

MR N

Check your privilege, whitey.

TICKET COLLECTOR warily leaves.

MR B

(mutters) Bitch.

TICKET COLLECTOR

There's some paranormal blacktivity happening on the Hindenburg today.

TICKET COLLECTOR exits at the back then he screams. THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER, an Australian man dressed in khakis, charges in at the front.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey! Everyone out, the Hindenburg is under attack!

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All PASSENGERS run out the front screaming except MR B and MR N, who only stand up.

MR N

Yo, what you talkin' 'bout?

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Oah crikey, I'm the alligator catcher, animal expert. I was transporting some real dangerous critters for a special mission to save the world. One of them got loose and released an army of dangerous lizards.

MR B

What's this real nasty motherfucker who got loose first?

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. It's the most dangerous creature I've ever come across, Aids.

MR N

Aids? That's one dangerous, mushroom cloud laying motherfucker.

MR B

We'd better help stop him.

MR B and MR N both pull shotguns out from under their seats.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. How did you get those in here?

MR N

We're black, we know things.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER nods.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. We need to get to storage first, there's something there we'll need.

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All exit at the back.

INT. HINDENBURG CORRIDORS – DAY

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER, MR B and MR N are going down the corridor, at the end is the entrance to storage guarded by a LIZARD. MR B and MR N aim their weapons at it but THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER stops them.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. I can get it quietly.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER turns around.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. That there is a powerful mutant lizard, it can see me from a hundred yards away and can kill me in seconds… So I'm gonna avoid eye contact, and walk backwards towards him.

MR B

That is one…

MR N

…Crazy motherfucker.

MR B AND MR N

I like him.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER begins walking backwards towards the LIZARD, which looks at THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER in a confused manner. THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER turns around and makes a crocodile biting motion with his hands, the LIZARD has a heart attack and dies. THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER turns around once again as many more lizards appear around him, he points at a MAN IN A DRESS who has appeared behind MR B and MR N.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. It's a trap!

MR N turns around and shoot the MAN IN A DRESS then both men rush to THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER's aid. MR B and MR N shoot lizards, THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER make biting motions at lizards, lizards die. This continues repetitively for a few

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moments. A CAMERA MAN walks in from the sides. He spins his camera around in a ridiculous fashion and ticks it in the character's faces at all sorts of ridiculous angles. The fighting stops and everyone glares at the CAMERA MAN.

CAMERA MAN

It's for shaky-cam. It's the big thing in action movies now.

Glaring continues until the CAMERA MAN stops waving his camera around and backs off. Fighting resumes. MR B and MR N shoot lizards, THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER make biting motions at lizards, lizards die. This continues repetitively for a few moments.

MR B

We're being overrun, we have to unleash our power.

MR B and MR N begin to absorb all of the light around them. Then a shadow spreads out from them across the room, when it dissipates all of the lizards are knocked out.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Oah Crikey, what was that?

MR N

Black magic.

INT. HINDENBURG STORAGE – DAY

MR B, MR N and THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER stand in front of GUPPY, a giant amalgamation of sea creatures and dinosaurs, who is cryogenically frozen.

MR B

So where's the shit we need.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. You're looking at her.

MR N

That motherfucker?

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THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. Guppy is the only creature left in the world who could possibly defeat Aids. She's friendly, don't worry.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER turns off GUPPY's cryogenic stasis, she thaws quickly.

GUPPY

Where am I? Who are you?

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. It doesn't matter who we are. What matters is our plan.

GUPPY

No, no. That joke comes later.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Fine, I'll stick to the script.

GUPPY

Good, now then. (Clears throat). What are you talking about?

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. We're being attacked by Aids.

GUPPY

Really? Again? Can't my husband handle it, he's much better at this than I am.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. You don't remember do you?

GUPPY

Remember what?

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. You were attacked by Aids and his lackeys, Fresh and Fresh Jnr. Unstoppable Ned came to the rescue, he took down both

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of the lackeys too, but Aids killed him. Then you and Aids both crashed into Meth City and were knocked unconscious by the ridiculous amounts of illicit substances in the air.

GUPPY

Aids did what?!

MR B

Weren't you lisnin' your man's dead.

GUPPY

He will pay for this. Let's get Aids!

INT. HINDENBURG ENGINE ROOM – DAY

AIDS, similar to Guppy but far more viscous looking and with a noticeable stingray tail, sits near the engines. His mouth foams like a rabid dog's. Suddenly MR N drops from the ceiling and onto AIDS's back.

MR N

Surprise motherfucker!

MR B, THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER and GUPPY all enter at once and attack AIDS, AIDS roars like a dinosaur, fighting happens. AIDS knocks everyone over.

MR B

Shit, this bitch is tough. Yo, Lizard man, got any more tricks up your sleeve?

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. I might be able to do something.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER reaches into his shirt.

MR N

Wait, Aids is part stingray!

AIDS stings THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER with his tail, THE ALLIAGATOR CATCHER falls on his back. MR B rushes to his side and kneels over him.

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THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

(desperately gasping for breath) Crikey. Tell my family to keep making stupid television without me.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER falls still, he is dead.

MR B

That's it. Time to go King Kong on your ass.

MR B picks up AIDS.

MR N

Yo, what the hell are doing?

MR B

I'm throwing this bitch in the nuclear reactor

MR N

Why the fuck is there a nuclear reactor on the Hindenburg?

MR B runs towards the nuclear reactor and jumps in.

MR B

Plot convenience!

MR B and AIDS fall into the nuclear reactor.

MR N

Dammit, this ship is goin' down. I need to get out of here.

INT. METH CAVES – DAY

GUPPY and AIDS crash through the roof. As they begin to get up and regain their balance, the incorporeal form of VANILLA METH, who wears an American flag jacket and foot tall blonde hair, appears.

VANILLA METH

What killed the dinosaurs?

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GUPPY and AIDS both look at him in confusion.

VANILLA METH

The ice age!

VANILLA METH shoots ice blue beams from his hands and encases GUPPY and AIDS in giant meth crystals.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. Z-Y-X TOWER – NIGHT

NARRATOR stands in front of throne, facing away. ZIZZER ZAZZER ZUZZ (ZZZ), a white crocodile with short curly pink hair, lounges on throne shrouded in a pink and white quilt. GRINCH, a green hairy man, stands next to throne.

NARRATOR

Imagine a world of wonderful things, of kingwoks and zingrocks and cathlamthmatite rings. This world is Seussland, with wonders abound, with shlick shling shlung shlongs and big black bruck hounds. But this place has been corrupted by wanting and greed, of dealing so foul, of reaping of seed. This business has destroyed Seussland to the core, where one man alone is ruler of all. The Zizzer Zazzer Zuzz has used business and deals to bring all of Seussland under his heel. And so we live suffering below triple Z, waiting for a hero to set us all free.

ZZZ

Grinch, this man annoys me. Get rid of him.

GRINCH grabs NARRATOR and tosses him out of the window.

ZZZ

Fucking door-to-door salesmen.

EXT. TRUFFALA TREE GROVE – DAY

ONCELER, a guy dressed in a suit with a top hat, stands

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holding a briefcase, he is pleading to LORAX/LARINX, a two foot tall guy covered in yellow fur with a foot long mustache, who stands on a tree stump.

ONCELER

But Larinx, I need to cut down the truffala trees for business.

LORAX/LARINX

No, I am the lorax, I speak for the trees and your business has destroyed my forest. These are the last truffala trees in existence.

ONCELER

But I need these trees to pay off triple Z, if I don't pay him back he'll send Grinch to shank me. I'll let you have 6.9% of my profits.

LORAX/LARINX

Don't use your business tricks on me! I know how it was used to destroy the world!

ONCELER

Come on man, I've got all these uncles and aunts to support, you can't just-

FOX IN SOX (FOX), a human sized fox standing upright with dark blue socks in each limb, bursts through the bushes.

ONCELER AND LORAX/LARINX

The fuck?

FOX

Onceler, eat my big chick brick stack

FOX throws a brick at ONCELER, killing him.

LORAX/LARINX

What the hell woman!

FOX stares uncomfortably at ONCELER's body. She scratches her head in embarrassment.

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FOX

Oops…

FOX turns to LORAX/LARINX

FOX

Oh, you're the Larinx right.

LORAX/LARINX

Why did you do that!? He had a family.

FOX

Uuh, come with me, I'll explain later.

FOX grabs LORAX/LARINX and runs off, dragging him along the ground behind.

INT. RESISTANCE BASE – NIGHT

CAT IN THE HAT (CAT), a man-sized black and white cat standing upright and fearing an enormous red and white striped top hat, sits against a wall while HORTON, an elephant, sits near him, fondling a roll of toilet paper with his trunk.

HORTON

I know you're in there, I can hear you all, but they don't listen. They don't believe that you're there. I proved them wrong before, I can do it again.

CAT

Hush Horton.

FOX runs in, dragging LORAX/LARINX behind her.

FOX

Hey everyone!

HORTON

Hi Fox.

CAT

Wait, check your pockets

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FOX

Cat we've been through this, most of us don't wear clothes. We're safe from the wockets.

CAT

We're never safe from those demons, they're always watching… So how did the mission go? Why isn't the Onceler with you?

FOX

Well… erm…

LORAX/LARINX gets up. He points accusingly at FOX

LORAX/LARINX

You killed Onceler!

CAT

Dammit Fox, stop killing people!

FOX

Keep you dick in your pants, he was a businessman not person.

CAT

He was still essential to our plan.

FOX

Well I found this Larinx-

LORAX/LARINX

Lorax.

FOX

Whatever, he's like a forest spirit or something.

LORAX/LARINX

I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees. Who are you?

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CAT

Yes, introductions. I am the Cat in the Hat, this beautiful young sociopathic lady is the Fox in Sox, and this strange, strange… strange… elephant is Horton.

CAT gestures at characters as he mentions them.

CAT

We're-

HORTON

Aren't you forgetting someone?

CAT

Yeah, of course… the Whos live on that er… "Flower" that Horton is holding there. Now Horton, how about you take watch in the attic.

CAT makes quotation marks with his hands at the word 'flower'.

HORTON

Ok then.

HORTON climbs a ladder up to the attic.

CAT

Now then, we are a group who intends to assassinate the Zizzer Zazzer Zuzz and rid Seussland of his evil business forever.

LORAX/LARINX

Business destroyed my forest, it would seem I have an inherent interest in your scheme, but what's up with Horton.

FOX

He's just crazy, thinks there's a city on that roll of toilet paper.

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CAT

Indeed. (to LORAX/LARINX) We were planning to use Onceler to sneak us through the domain of Yertle the Turtle to reach the headquarters of our enemy, Z-Y-X tower, but since somebody (to FOX) killed the Onceler (to LORAX/LARINX) we can't get past Yertle.

LORAX/LARINX

Yertle is the guy who thinks that everything he sees belongs to him right?

FOX

Right, triple Z is the only authority he respects because Z-Y-X tower is the only thing taller than the turtle tower that Yertle sits on.

CAT

Precisely, we had planned to hide in Onceler's cart but now that we (to FOX) don't have Onceler (to LORAX/LARINX) our only option is to knock him off the tower. So unless you have the magical abilty to fly we might as try to find a magic flower that-

LORAX/LARINX

I can fly.

FOX

Seriously?

CAT

Excellent, this is our chance. Fox and I can distract Yertle and then Larinx-

LORAX/LARINX

Lorax.

CAT

Whatever, you can sneak behind Yertle and

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push him off the tower.

FOX

But Cat, we've been planning our attack for months, we can't just go balls deep now because this Larinx has turned up out of nowhere!

LORAX/LARINX

I'm the Lorax!

FOX

Whatever!

CAT

This is the perfect time to attack. Grinch will be out taking Onceler's stuff and now we can take Yertle. Let's go.

EXT. YERTLE'S SWAMP – DAY

YERTLE, a turtle with a crown, sits on top of his tower of turtles, with MAURICE, a normal turtle, at the bottom, sweat dripping down his face. FOX and CAT are casually strolling past.

YERTLE

Hey, you, down there!

FOX and CAT stop.

YERTLE

What are you doing in my swamp?

FOX

Oh, um, hi Yertle.

MAURICE

Hey Yertle, can I have some time off yet!?

YERTLE

Maurice you stay right there until I say you can move!

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MAURICE

But Yertle, my back is hurtin', and all my breadsticks are gettin' cold!

YERTLE

Fuck your goddamn breadsticks Maurice! We have visitors!

YERTLE returns his attention to FOX and CAT.

YERTLE

Now, you two are my bitches now. Kneel before Yertle.

FOX

But Yertle, can't we come up and kiss your feet, for realsies?

CAT

Yes please, for realsies?

YERTLE

No, well maybe the young lady here could put her mouth on something slightly above my feet.

FOX forces a smile and moves toward the tower.

CAT

But that's not fair, it would such an honour for me to kiss the feet of Yertle the Turtle.

YERTLE

Wait a minute, this is a trick isn't it, and you're trying to push me off of my glorious tower.

FOX stops and glares angrily at CAT.

YERTLE

Well it's not going to happen, I'm calling triple Z.

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YERTLE lifts a front flipper to the side of head. LORAX/LARINX flies in and pushes YERTLE off of the tower.

LORAX/LARINX

Jenga!

YERTLE now lies on his back at the foot of the tower and desperately tries to get up. His crown has fallen off.

YERTLE

Maurice, move your fat ass and get me back up!

MAURICE gets up, knocking over the turtle tower. He screams in rage and grabs YERTLE

MAURICE

I've been sitting under your fucking fat ass for years now! You didn't give me any lunch breaks! Do you know how many bread sticks went cold in that time!? Well now I'm on top! Bleed bitch, BLEED!

CAT, FOX and LORAX/LARINX awkwardly look at one another while MAURICE viciously beats YERTLE with a belt.

CAT

We'd better go now.

CAT, FOX and LORAX/LARINX move away from the still fighting YERTLE and MAURICE and go off-screen.

CAT (O.S)

We'll need to take the back alleys.

LORAX/LARINX (O.S)

Hmm… slim fish, slack fish, big fish, black fish.

FOX (O.S)

We're gonna get mugged aren't we.

INT. Z-Y-X TOWER – DAY

ZZZ lounges on his throne in his quilt. GRINCH stands next

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to him.

GRINCH

You know, boss, sometimes I regret all of the killing and pillaging, don't you think that maybe you should rule benevolently?

GRINCH starts convulsing.

ZZZ

Grinch did you forget to take your meds again?

GRINCH pulls a bottle out of a fold in his skin, takes a pill from the bottle and stops convulsing.

GRINCH

Yeah

ZZZ

You need to keep that heart size down, I can't have you going nice on me again, like that disaster last Christmas. Urgh.

GRINCH

Sorry about that…

ZZZ

Anyway, we've been through this before. I can't be benevolent, I'm Jewish, I won't let them default on those debts, they owe me. I came here from Jewtown to get away from all the people with good business sense and I'm not leaving until I've scraped every last cent out of this place.

ZZZ makes a fist in the air.

GRINCH

Right, yeah, I forgot.

GRINCH perks up. ZZZ lowers his hand.

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GRINCH

I'll be back boss, someone's been naughty.

EXT. Z-Y-X TOWER – DAY

GRINCH stands at the entrance.

GRINCH

What's is this presence approaching Z-Y-X tower, and why didn't Yertle warn me?

FOX, CAT and LORAX/LARINX come over a hill and approach GRINCH

GRINCH

Furries?

CAT

Crap, you two get into the tower, I'll deal with Grinch.

FOX

Right

FOX and LORAX/LARINX run towards the door but GRINCH knocks them back.

GRINCH

I can't let you do that.

CAT attempts to punch GRINCH but GRINCH grabs CAT's arm reaches into his chest.

GRINCH

This Christmas, you'll give me your heart.

GRINCH pull CAT's heart out, CAT falls on the ground, bleeding profusely, and dies. FOX and LORAX/LARINX stare in horror.

GRINCH

How pathetic. Now for the midget and the ginger. You're on my naughty list.

GRINCH starts convulsing.

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GRINCH

Dammit!

GRINCH gets out his pills and LORAX/LARINX knocks them out of his hand.

LORAX/LARINX

Son, this is officially your intervention.

GRINCH pushes over LORAX/LARINX and gets out a phone.

LORAX/LARINX

Stop him, he'll alert Triple Z!

FOX looks at LOAX/LARINX

FOX

Um…

FOX desperately looks around

FOX

Er…

FOX pulls open her skin like a coat, flashing GRINCH, who drops the phone and grabs his chest.

GRINCH

Why… is… it… hot?

FOX closes her skin. GRINCH falls on LORAX/LARINX, who gingerly pushes him off and gets up.

LORAX/LARINX

Couldn't you have stopped him some other way?

FOX

It worked, what are you upset about?

LORAX/LARINX

Let's just say, his heart wasn't the only thing that grew three sizes… Let's go.

INT. Z-Y-X TOWER – DAY

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ZZZ lounges on his throne. FOX and LORAX/LARINX come up the stairs and enter.

ZZZ

What are you doing here? Where's Grinch?

FOX

Grinch is dead, we're here to end your reign of tyranny.

ZZZ

Ah, and how did Grinch die, exactly?

FOX

Erm… He had a heart attack… Yeah.

ZZZ

Sure he did miss hot-pants. (sighs) I feared this might happen, but I am prepared.

ZZZ stands up, his quilt drapes behind him like a cape.

ZZZ

I challenge you to a rap battle!

LORAX/LARINX

What?

FOX

I accept.

LORAX/LARINX

But-

The DJ appears and sick rap beats start playing. ZZZ and FOX put on sunglasses and make gang signs with their hands. A disco ball drops from the ceiling and the room fills with fluorescent lighting, like a nightclub.

ZZZ

Yo, I'm Triple Z. This fox can't outrap a rhymester like me. I'm the most powerful

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businessman in history. But still I'm gonna own this bitch for free.

FOX

You can't knock with the rock that's the fox in sox. My fat rap rhyme stacks will blast you off. My rhythms are quick onlock with brick tricks. After my rad slick mad sick wick lyrical acrobatic tricks, you'll lose your shit!

ZZZ

You're nothing before me. You're a failure, you're a crock. I am ruler all powerful. I evicted Mr. Knox from his box.

FOX

Your crimes have been wide and now's come the time. You'll be locked in a brick block without a clock to nock and ticktock. So you'll kick Rick Rock and sulk til' the brick block in which you're locked starts to rust musk and turn to dust and you're a crusk of what you once was.

ZZZ

You don't mizzle with Zizzle. Z stands for the end of the lizzle. Your gonna pizzle and fizzle. Yo I'm a chisel this fizzle. Yeah, I'm a master of bizzle. Right, so hot that I fizzle. Your raps don't matter to shizzle. You're gonna kneel down to the Zizzle.

Rap beats stop.

ZZZ

So tell me, how did you expect to defeat me with rap?

FOX

I don't know, this was your idea

LORAX/LARINX facepalms.

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ZZZ

Exactly

Two GUARDS enter and put bags over the heads of FOX and LORAX/LARINX. As he speaks, ZZZ gestures towards the people he refers to.

ZZZ

I have space in this tower for me, my men, Dr. Dre here-

DJ

Yeah.

ZZZ

-but only one of you!

Tower window opens by itself. A gun appears in ZZZ's hand.

ZZZ

First one to talk gets to stay in my tower!

GUARD 1 hangs FOX out of the window. ZZZ presses the gun to her head.

ZZZ

Who paid you to grab my tower!?

ZZZ fires out of the window. When nothing happens he gestures and GUARD 1 pulls FOX back in and returns her to where she stood before.

ZZZ

He didn't fly so good! Who's next!?

GUARD 2 hangs LORAX/LARINX out of the window. ZZZ presses the gun to his head.

ZZZ

Tell me about Fox! Why does she wear the socks!? (pause) That's a lot of loyalty for a hired gun!

FOX puts her hands over her mouth to muffle her speech and

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making it only barely discernible.

FOX

Or perhaps he's wondering why someone would shoot a man before throwing him out of a building.

GUARD 1 bring LORAX/LARINX back into the tower. ZZZ turns to FOX

ZZZ

At least you can talk. Who are you?

FOX

It doesn't matter who we are, what matter is our plan.

ZZZ removes bag from FOX's head, she keeps her hands in place.

FOX

No-one cared who I was before I put on the socks.

ZZZ

If I took those off would you die?

FOX

It would be extremely painful.

ZZZ

You're a big guy.

FOX

For you.

While everyone is distracted by FOX, LORAX/LARINX takes the bag off his head and puts a tie on.

ZZZ

Was getting caught part of your plan?

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FOX

Of course. That DJ refused our offer in favor of yours, we needed to find out what he told you.

DJ begins to sweat.

DJ

Nothing, I said nothing.

FOX looks threateningly toward him.

ZZZ

Well congratulations, you got yourself caught, now what's the next step in your master plan?

FOX

Crashing this regime… With no survivors.

FOX now lowers her hands.

LORAX/LARINX

Triple Z!

ZZZ look over at LORAX/LARINX

ZZZ

Larinx?

LORAX/LARINX

I'm the fucking **LORAX**!

LORAX/LARINX takes a deep breath.

LORAX/LARINX  
I speak for the trees. I am the owner of the last Truffala trees in existence. As I understand it, those trees are very valuable to you.

ZZZ  
Really? Let's do business.

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ZZZ and LORAX/LARINX sit at a table. FOX begins narrating.

FOX

When it comes to combat, there is none as unclean. As the one we call business, through its apparent sheen. Business is the process of outwitting your target. Bringing them to trust in you with nonsense and jargon. Both sides fall on top when the dealing is done. But when the mirage fades, they realize who's won.

ZZZ and LORAX/LARINX shake hands. Both smile smugly. ZZZ's smile begins to fade. It fades completely and is replaced by a mixture of grief and terror. Tears well up in his eyes and he starts sobbing.

ZZZ

Shit! My business, my empire, my… my breadsticks. I've lost everything! All I have left is this quilt that I wear. I can't live like this.

ZZZ jumps out of the window.

FOX

We did it, Seussland is free!

LORAX/LARINX

At what cost? I have become what I hate. But I will use my business powers for good instead of evil. I leave Suessland to you, Fox. I must go. I shall become the businessman that Suessland deserves, but not the one it needs right now. I'll come back when the world must once more be saved from business.

FOX

Please don't leave Larinx.

LORAX/LARINX

I am the Lorax. And I must leave, if we have a steamy love affair the creepy fan-fiction writers will be out of a job.

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LORAX/LARINX grabs the skin on his back, yanks up and flies off into the distance.

FOX

What a loser. Anyway, I'd better get to work. (to GUARD 1) You there.

GUARD 1

Yeah?

FOX

What's your name?

GUARD 1

Frank.

FOX pushes him out of the window

FOX

I hate that name. (to GUARD 2) You're not called Frank are you?

GUARD 2

No.

FOX

Good, we have work to do.

GUARD 2

Alright, let's get down to _business_.

FOX pushes him out of the window.

FOX

Well… shit, now what do I do?

EXT. TRASH HEAP AT ZYX TOWER BASE– DAY

ZZZ and GUARD 1 sit on either side of the NARRATOR. GUARD 2 falls out of the sky and lands next to them. All others look at him.

ZZZ

Damn, you guys need a union.

29

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. UNDERGROUND HELICARRIER, NICHOLAS RAMPAGE'S OFFICE – DAY

A man dressed as a pirate with a hook on each hand, an eye patch on each eye, both legs made of wood, a dead parrot nailed to each shoulder, and a giant beard sits at his desk. He is NICHOLAS RAMPAGE (RAMPAGE).

RAMPAGE

ARGH! B.U.C.K.L.E.R Captain Nicholas Rampage's log, 11th September, year 42069. First order of business, our approaching enemy has taken out HBO, I can't possibly think thy. Also, the Hindenburg has crashed somewhere near Meth City, with it we may have lost my best two agents, B.U.C.K.L.E.R's reptile expert, and the centerpiece of operation: Motherfucking Whales, ARGH! Without access to black magic, launching planes off of the underground helicarrier has proven…

Explosion sounds in the distance.

RAMPAGE  
…problematic. ARGH. I intend to launch a search for the wreckage to recover what we can, ARGH, we have enough black magic left in storage to send one agent to the surface, she ought to arrive any moment now, ARGH.

AGENT CHRISTINE STEWART (STEWART), a milky pale woman with a blank expression and dressed in a military uniform, enters.

STEWART

You asked for me sir.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, Agent Christine Stewart, I have a mission for you. Are you aware of what happened to the Hindenburg?

30

STEWART

Yes sir.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, good, I need you to go to the crash site and recover whatever remains of B.U.C.K.L.E.R's assets in the wreckage.

STEWART

Yes sir.

STEWART begins to leave.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, wait, first you need to take a special tracking device so that I can still detect you through the drug cloud over Meth City. It's on the wall there, ARGH.

RAMPAGE points to a device on the far wall. STEWART retrieves it.

STEWART

Sir, how can you see? You wear two eye patches.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, echolocation, that's why I keep saying 'ARGH'.

EXT. METH CITY – DAY

STEWART wanders to a large hole in the ground. She gets out a phone and contacts RAMPAGE.

STEWART

Sir.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, what is it Agent Stewart?

STEWART

I'm still a long way away from the crash

31

site but I've found a large hole in the ground, should I investigate?

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, where are you?

STEWART

I'm in the middle of Meth City.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, how's your gas mask holding up?

STEWART

I don't have gas mask.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, how are you not super high right now?

STEWART

Well, I'm such a bad actress that nothing even remotely abnormal can affect my behavior, so I can't get high.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, that's really overpowered, why are those black guys my top agents instead of you?

STEWART

If my facial expression changes I die.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, right, yeah, that's unfortunate. Your file says you're also into necrophilia.

STEWART

That's… oversimplifying.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, well investigate that hole while I

32

figure out what the hell that means. Cryptic bitch, ARGH.

STEWART enters the hole into

INT. THE METH CAVE – DAY

Where GUPPY and AIDS sit encased in giant meth crystals.

STEWART

The hole led to a tunnel system made entirely out of meth under the city. Did you have any idea this was here?

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, do you remember Agent Harland and Agent Ice?

STEWART

Yes, you fired Harland after Meth city appeared out of nowhere and Ice disappeared. Why did Harland get fired?

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, this place is why. I'll explain another time.

STEWART

Well I also found those giant whale things we fished out of here a while ago. You never did explain what you needed them for.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, it's confidential.

STEWART

Well, they're trapped in the Meth again, and with Agent Charles Sheen still stuck in rehab insisting that he's bi-winning, I don't think they'll wake up.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, thanks. I'll bring the underground

33

helicarrier in to retrieve them anyway, keep heading towards the crash site.

EXT. METH CITY OUTSKIRTS – DAY

STEWART walks casually towards her destination.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH!

STEWART jumps, then regains her composure.

STEWART

Sir?

RAMPAGE (O.S)

Agent Christine Stewart, we have a problem. You'll have to go on without us.

STEWART

What's happening?

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, we've crashed the underground helicarrier into the iceberg and the entire crew is really high. I'm seeing colours!

STEWART

But you're blind.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, that's the point!

Communication cuts out.

EXT. HINDENURG CRASH SITE – DAY

STEWART wanders into the crater and sees an UNKNOWN FIGURE in the smoke.

STEWART

Who are you?

The UNKNOWN FIGURE emerges from the smoke, it is THE

34

ALLIGATOR CATCHER, his skin has turned grey.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey, that hurt!

STEWART

Alligator catcher?

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Yeah?

STEWART

I've been looking for you. I'm Agent Christine Stewart, from B.U.C.K.L.E.R., What are you doing here? Since when are you a zombie?

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey, since Aids stung me. Rampage requested my presence on the Hindenburg for a secret project.

STEWART

Do you know where Mr B and Mr N are?

THE CROCDILE HUNTER

Crikey, they used their black magic to bring me back when I died, I'm their familiar now but they call me their 'bitch'. We were separated after the crash but I can help you find them.

STEWART

Alright then, let's look around.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. JEWGE'S OFFICE – DAY

EBENEZER JEWGE (JEWGE), a man in shabby clothes with a very small nose, sits behind his desk while MR. JACK, a man who looks very well off, stands in front of it.

35

JEWGE

Mr. Jack, I see you've been defaulting on your debts again.

MR. JACK

I'm sorry Mr. Jewge, I really am. I just can't because-

JEWGE

Oh don't worry about, it's Hanukkah, I'll let you default on your debts again.

MR. JACK

Thank you sir, thank you!

MR. JACK begins to leave.

MR. JACK

(Muttering) sucker.

MR. JACK leaves.

JEWGE

(sighs) One day someone will pay me back. Maybe I should live somewhere more honest, with less Jewish people. Why must everyone here in Jewtown be so greedy, can't we be something other than dirty, money-lending, _tricksy, thieving hobbitses_.

JEWGE looks around nervously. He clears his throat.

JEWGE

I should probably go home.

INT. JEWGE'S BEDROOM – NIGHT

JEWGE is about to get into his bed when a SPIRIT appears.

SPIRIT

Oy vey, Goyim.

The SPIRIT rubs his hands together.

36

JEWGE

Who are you? And who are you calling goyim?

SPIRIT

You are a goyim because you are not truly one of us any longer. I am a Jewish spirit and I am here to tell that three of my associates will visit you tonight to make you into the ruthless moneylender you were born to be. Just sign this contract.

The SPIRIT makes a contract appear in his hands, which JEWGE signs.

SPIRIT

Wow, you really are bad at this business thing. This contract means you are legally bound to give us 69% of your profits from now on.

JEWGE

Well it doesn't really matter, I've never been greedy. I'm not like you.

SPIRIT

Not now, but you can be like us. You're true nature showed itself earlier today in your office. Remember when you're mouth started frothing and you referred to the entire population of Jewtown as tricksy thieving hobbitses.

JEWGE

Yeah…

SPIRIT

That's what we're looking for, and we'll hone it into the ruthless businessman you can be.

JEWGE

What if I don't want to?

37

SPIRIT

It's not a question of what you want, you're a dirty poor person, your opinion only matters to me when you have more money than I do.

SPIRIT dissipates.

JEWGE

I need to stop drinking.

JEWGE turns to get into his bed. ZZZ's spirit appears.

ZZZ

Oy vey goyim.

JEWGE turns around, shocked.

JEWGE

Who are you?

ZZZ

I am the Ghost of Hanukkah past.

JEWGE

I take it you are one the spirits sent to turn me into a proper Jew.

ZZZ

That I am.

ZZZ waves his hand suddenly the pair are in

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Where a number of DOCTORS huddle over a BABY.

JEWGE

Where are we?

ZZZ

That child over there, under the doctors, that is you. We are witnessing your circumcision.

38

JEWGE is taken aback in disgust.

JEWGE

Why must we watch this?

ZZZ

To remind you of what you are. When you had that done you made a promise to your people. You came from a very successful and wealthy family, a direct descendant of me, and you're, ugh, benevolence has whittled that fortune to nothing. What a waste of my heritage you are.

JEWGE

Wait, we're related.

ZZZ

Yes we are.

JEWGE

But you're the best businessman to ever live, except for your last deal. I'm the worst.

ZZZ

And what a disappointment you've been.

ZZZ waves his hand again and they are back in

INT. JEWGE'S BEDROOM – NIGHT

JEWGE's nose is now of average size. ZZZ's spirit disappears.

JEWGE

Well that was weird.

JEWGE turns to get into bed when CAP'N HAMERICA's spirit appears.

CAP'N HAMERICA

Hoy vay Goihim.

JEWGE turns back around.

39

JEWGE

I have had enough of that sentence. Wait, who are you?

CAP'N HAMERICA

I am the ghost of Haynookar present.

JEGWE

But the last guy was the spirit of Triple Z, an icon of what can be achieved by greedy businessmen.

CAP'N HAMERICA

Yeah, y'see the progression of the ghosts are demonsratin' your life so far, we're gettin' less greedy as the night goes on. He was the greediest, bein' a Jewish businessman 'n' money-lender an' all. Me, I'm less greedy but still pretty selfish sein' as I'm a republican. The last guy is gonna be someone who's given up all of his privileges, most oppressed man in the world he is. Great drinkin' partner though.

JEWGE

Right, but Triple Z was a real person, who are you.

CAP'N HAMERICA

The real me'll be visitin' soonish, you'll see.

JEWGE

Fine, what did you want to show me?

CAP'N HAMERICA waves his hand and they are now in

INT. MR. JACK'S DINING ROOM – NIGHT

Where MR. JACK, MRS. JACK and LITTLE JACK sit eating a fancy meal. JEWGE and CAP'N HAMERICA float above them.

40

JEWGE

Where did Mr. Jack get food like this? He always told me his family was poor.

CAP'N HAMERICA

You just listen to 'em, you'll see.

MR. JACK laughs cruelly.

MR. JACK

Jewge is such an idiot. Earlier today he let me go another year without re-paying him.

MRS. JACK

Don't you think that maybe we shouldn't exploit Jewge so much. It seems so cruel.

MR. JACK

And where do you think we would be if we hadn't done this?

MRS. JACK

Well I-

MR. JACK

We'd be living in a drain, this is Jewtown, you either take from everyone or drown in everyone else's greed.

MRS. JACK

I guess so… but what you're doing is illegal, who knows what would happen if we were found out.

MR. JACK

Jewge has to report us first, and he's too stupid to realize.

JEWGE

(gasps) They've been stealing from me!

41

CAP'N HAMERICA

That they have. How does that make you feel?

JEWGE

I… I, uh, I'm sure he had a good reason.

CAP'N HAMERICA

You heard 'em. They stole from you because they could.

JEWGE

Well, I suppose… maybe, but-

CAP'N HAMERICA

They're dirty thieves!

JEWGE

No, they're… they're… they're filthy, _tricksy, thieves. Steal from us will they? No-one steals from us!_

CAP'N HAMERICA

Good, very good.

JEWGE

I don't… what was…

CAP'N HAMERICA

You're Jewish nature is reasserting control, my job is done.

CAP'N HAMERICA waves his hand and JEWGE is alone back in

INT. JEWGE'S BEDROOM – NIGHT

JEWGE's nose is now somewhat large. He turns around to get into bed. MR B and MR N pimp walk in with an entourage of BITCHES.

MR B AND MR N

Oy vey, goyim.

42

JEWGE sighs then turns around.

JEWGE

Ghost of Hanukkah yet to come, right?

MR B

Damn, this guy's got brains.

MR N

If the motherfuker's so smart why are we here?

MR B

Good point.

MR N

I win again.

MR B and MR N turn and point at the BITCHES.

MR B AND MR N

Bitches, leave.

The BITCHES leave. MR B and MR N turn back to JEWGE.

MR B

I'm Mr B.

MR N

I'm Mr N.

MR B AND MR N

We're black.

JEWGE

I can see that. We don't have all night, show what you want to show me.

MR B

Damn, the captain was right, he made some real good progress.

43

MR N

Just because he doesn't have black magic like we do doesn't mean he's useless.

MR B

Can you prove that?

MR N

Yes.

MR B

How?

MR N

By using the power of rap accessible only to anyone who's black on the inside.

MR B

What do you mean 'black on the inside'?

MR N

Well Eminem is a dirty privileged whitey and he still raps.

MR B

I guess, show me you're cool raps.

MR N

Alright then.

The DJ appears and starts some sick rap beats.

JEWGE

Hold up.

Rap beats stop.

JEWGE

Just get on with your job.

MR B

Killjoy.

44

MR N

Fucking jew.

MR B and MR N snap their finger and suddenly they are in

INT. FUNERAL HALL – DAY

Where a funeral is taking place, the coffin is closed, a RABBI is speaking. Only a handful of people are in attendance.

RABBI

We are gathered here today to see who Mr Jewge names in his will, he didn't have anything worth taking when he died so I really don't know why any of you turned up.

MR B and MR N snap their fingers again and JEWGE is back in

INT. JEWGE'S BEDROOM – NIGHT

JEWGE's nose is now comically large.

JEWGE

Wow.

EXT. STREETS OF JEWTOWN – DAY

MR. JACK is walking down the street, as he passes an alley a GIANT BLACK MAN emerges with a metal baseball bat.

GIANT BLACK MAN

Yo, Mr. Jack, Jewge wants his money bitch.

MR. JACK

What!?

GIANT BLACK MAN

You heard me.

MR. JACK

But I don't have it right now!

45

GIANT BLACK MAN

Too bad.

The GIANT BLACK MAN swings his baseball bat at MR. JACK

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

EXT. HINDENBURG CRATER – DAY

STEWART and THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER enter and see MR N lying unconscious in the middle of the crater.

STEWART

Well, there's one of them.

STEWART approaches MR N casually while THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER runs to his side.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crickey! He's knocked out cold.

STEWART reaches them.

STEWART

Which one is this?

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crikey. This is Mr N.

STEWART

Any idea where the other one is?

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Oah, no idea at all. But it doesn't matter because it takes two people to carry a seven foot tall black man.

STEWART

Alright. When I lost contact with the captain he was in Meth City, we should head there and see if we can find the underground helicarrier.

46

STEWART and THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER pick up MR N and begin carrying him away.

EXT. UNDERGROUND HELICARRIER WRECK – DAY

STEWART and THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER approach carrying MR N.

STEWART

Here we are, let's see if anyone survived.

They approach the underground helicarrier.

INT. UNDERGROUND HELICARRIER WRECK – DAY

STEWART and THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER carry MR N through the corridors. RAMPAGE's singing (to the tune of 'My Heart Will Go On') echoes through the helicarrier.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

Every night in my dreams, I see you I feel you, that is how I know you go on, fARGH across the distance and spaces between us, You have come to show you go on, neARGH fARGH whereveARGH you ARGH, I believe that the heARGHt does go on, once moARGH you open the doARGH, and yoARGH heARGH in my heARGHt and my heARGHt will go on and on, love can touch us one time, and last for a lifetime, and never let go 'till weARGH gone, love was when I loved you, one true time I hold to, in my ife we'll always go on, neARGH fARGH whereveARGH you ARGH I believe that the heARGHt does go on, once moARGH you open the doARGH, and yoARGH heARGH in my heARGHt and my heARGHt will go on and on, yoARGH heARGH theARGH's nothing I feARGH, and I know that my heARGHt will go on, we'll stay foARGHeveARGH this way, you ARGH safe in my heARGHt and, my heARGHt will go on and on.

STEWART and THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER go through a door, still carrying MR N, and enter

INT. UNDERGROUND HELICARRIER WRECK, NICHOLAS RAMPAGE'S OFFICE – DAY

47

Where RAMPAGE is slumped over his desk.

STEWART

Captain, what are you doing?

RAMPAGE looks up and sees the others, then sits bolt upright.

RAMPAGE

ARGH don't judge me! I'm high remember, ARGH!

STEWART

I'm sorry sir.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, no you're not. To be sincere in an apology you have to show emotion, which you are clearly incapable of, ARGH!

STEWART

Yes sir.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crickey. The captain's blind?

RAMPAGE

ARGH, never you mind that. Put Mr N down on the table here.

STEWART and THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER put MR N on the desk.

RAMPAGE

Now, Agent Stewart, who the hell is this guy, ARGH.

RAMPAGE point at THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER.

STEWART

He was a member of the science team for your project.

48

RAMPAGE

ARGH, I never told you about that.

STEWART

Shh, Cinemasins is always listening… always.

RAMPAGE

But this is a deleted scene, ARGH!

STEWART

Sir, crucial plot points occur in this scene, did you even read the script?

RAMPAGE

ARGH, argh. Hmmm… SHUT UP!

STEWART and THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER both groan. RAMPAGE takes the hook off of his right hand, revealing a hand underneath, takes a hankerchief out of his jacket pocket and wipes his forehead of sweat. MR N gets up.

MR N

God dammit motherfucker!

RAMPAGE points at THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER.

RAMPAGE

Steve screwed up too.

THE ALLIGATOR HUNTER

At least I actually read the script.

RAMPAGE puts away the handkerchief and returns his hook to its position.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, (to MR N) Get back down, (to the others) everyone back in character, hopefully no-one noticed that. Continue, ARGH!

MR N glares angrily at RAMPAGE before lying down again.

49

STEWART

Ok… Well, Mr B and Mr N used black magic to re-animate him after he was stung by Aids.

RAMPAGE violently shoves STEWART and THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER apart.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, be more careful Agent Stewart! We know how you get around dead things!

STEWART and THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER get up.

RAMPAGE

Don't you remember what happened with Mr Bones?

RAMPAGE points at a corner where a SKELETON is curled up in a ball and shivering.

SKELETON

The ride never ends. The ride never ends. Cheating, plastic-faced bitch! The ride never ends. The ride never ends.

STEWART

Don't worry sir. There's no danger of me engaging in a vomit inducing, bland, disgusting love affair spread over a series of terrible, terrible movies that don't make sense. He isn't deathly pale and he keeps his shirt on.

STEWART winks

STEWART

For now.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crickey. I want no part of this. Even my movie wasn't that bad. I've always been on team 'I don't give a shit'.

50

RAMPAGE

Me too. ARGH, this is a problem we can deal with later. For now, I have a question. Why am I the only person here who is high, ARGH?!

STEWART

I've already explained my immunity and the alligator catcher is sustained by black magic, which makes him part black stereotype, giving him a resistance to all but the most powerful of drugs.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, why is it that this is an organization of people with superpowers run by the one guy who doesn't have them? It doesn't make sense, ARGH.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Crickey, he's right.

STEWART

Shhh… Cinemasins.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, that's not important right now. There was something in the ice that made us crash. I need you two to investigate, ARGH. Go into the meth caves, ARGH. If it were going to leave us alone we would allow it to continue its business, but it's going to keep attacking, so you will hunt it, you will find it… and you will kill it. ARGH.

INT. DEEP METH CAVES – DAY

STEWART walks in front of THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER through the caves. VANILLA METH appears behind them in an incorporeal form. He grabs THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER and begins climbing down his throat. THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER falls to his knees and starts jerking around. STEWART notices and turns around as VANILLA METH finishes entering THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

51

STEWART

Alligator catcher, is something wrong?

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Oh, the alligator catcher ain't in here anymore.

STEWART

What are you?

THE ALLIAGTOR HUNTER

Well to start I'm no mysterious entity, your captain knows exactly what I am. An old agent of your precious B.U.C.K.L.E.R who he betrayed.

STEWART

Agent ice?

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER stands up, enraged.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

Agent no longer! I am Vanilla meth! A being made of pure meth!

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER calms.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

It seems that I wasn't thorough enough and your captain could still send lackeys. But with a body I no longer need to wait for him to come to me. The black magic here certainly helps but, well, yours would be a much better host for the ridiculously dangerous levels of methamphetamine that will course through the system of any host I take.

STEWART prepares her gun.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

That won't help you. Now, let's put a smile on that face!

52

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER advances toward STEWART. She backs away and he follows into a tunnel.

STEWART (O.S)

Get back.

THE ALLIGATOR CATCHER

The ice-man cometh.

Gunshots are heard. STEWART screams.

HELICARRIER WRECK, NICHOLAS RAMPAGE'S OFFICE – DAY

MR N sleeps on a desk, behind which RAMPAGE sits. MR N awakens and jumps up

MR N

Shit!

RAMPAGE

ARGH, Mr N, you're up.

MR N

Never mind that, my black sense is tingling! Some motherfucker is using gathering dangerous levels of meth in a single spot.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, what are you talking about?

MR N

All the meth in Meth City is being called to a spot directly beneath us. If that shit builds up too much it'll reach critical mass and explode, everyone in a 20 mile radius will O.D, and even I might get a little light-headed.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, I assume you're going to do something about it.

53

MR N

That motherfucker won't know what hit 'im.

MR N pulls a shotgun out of thin air and runs out of the room.

INT. DEEP METH CAVES – DAY

STEWART, now capable of making facial expressions, stands naked next to a growing, slightly glowing, super-crystal of meth and admires herself in the reflection.

STEWART

Oh, this is the best. I love this body! So drug-resistant. It's even better than Sheen was. And I'm hot. I could have so much fun with this. But first, business, once this crystal reaches critical mass Rampage will be dead from overdose and vengeance will be mine. B.U.C.K.L.E.R is finished, and when the tunnel snakes arrive they too will bow before Vanilla meth! If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest, it's time to feast.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. NAZI WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

A large group of NAZI SOLDIERS (SOLDIERS) mill about in the warehouse while shadowed SERPENTINE FIGURE stands on a balcony above them looking down on them. We hear a death metal rendition of "Star Spangled Banner". Suddenly the front door of the warehouse swings open to reveal CAP'N HAMERICA, a muscular white guy with a southern accent, dressed in an American flag wrapped around him like a towel, carrying a confederate flag in one hand and boom box playing the music on the other shoulder. He sets down the boom box. All the SOLDIERS turn to look as he swaggers into the warehouse.

CAPN HAMERICA

You damn Nazis are impedin' FREEEEEEEEEEDOM!

54

The SOLDIERS mutter amongst themselves, then the crowd in front of CAPN HAMERICA parts and RUDOLPH HITLER, a guy in nazi uniform with a toothbrush moustache and reindeer horns, stands in front of him. RUDOLPH HITLER yells something unintelligible in German at CAPN HAMERICA.

CAPN HAMERICA

Rudolph Hitler. I've been hunting you for years. Time for a fight then, you son of a bitch! FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM!

CAPN HAMERICA holds his flag in the air as he yells then stands it on the ground next to him and he and RUDOLPH HITLER begin a kung-fu battle. RUDOLPH HITLER uses his reindeer horns on multiple occasions during the battle, which appears evenly matched throughout. Eventually the battle is taken to the scaffolding in the roof of the warehouse when RUDOLPH HITLER uppercuts CAPN HAMERICA into the air. All the while the SERPENTINE FIGURE watches with interest. Eventually CAPN HAMERICA knocks RUDOLPH HITLER off of the scaffold to the ground below, near the entrance, then jumps down and proceeds to beat RUDOLPH HITLER with his flag. The SERPENTINE FIGURE hisses and emerges from the shadows. It is a TUNNEL SNAKE. CAPN HAMERICA stops beating RUDOLPH HITLER and turns off the boom box.

TUNNEL SNAKE

It would ssssssseem that my human ssssssservantsssssss are not adequate for dessssssstroting you, human.

CAPN HAMERICA

What's up with that way yer talkin' there? Y'all got a lisp or somethin'?

TUNNEL SNAKE

Don't mock me mortal. I am a tunnel sssssssnake, and sssssssoon all my people ssssssshall rule your pitiful world.

CAPN HAMERICA

Why are all y'all alien snakes taking over the world?

55

TUNNEL SNAKE

Becausssssssse we're the antagonissssssstsssssss, dickhead. Isssssssn't it obvious.

CAPN HAMERICA

It ain't at all obvious.

TUNNEL SNAKE

Come on, I'm a sssssssnake with a lisssssssp. That makesssssss me both a biblical referenccccccce to sssssssin and a movie reference to Sssssssamuel L. Jackssssssson'sssssss character in 'Kingsssssssman'. Any idiot knowssssssss I'm evil.

CAPN HAMERICA

I don't remember Kingsman.

TUNNEL SNAKE

I know. It came out around the ssssssssame time assssssss Fifty Sssssssshadesssssssss of Grey and didn't get the attention it deserved. It'ssssssss sssssssshit!

CAPN HAMERICA

Well, if you're the villain then I have to fight you.

The TUNNEL SNAKE laughs and then bares it fangs and jumps off of its balcony. When it hits the ground, instead of stopping, it tunnels into it and bursts out a few seconds later right in front of CAPN HAMERICA, who stumbles back from the shockwave and raises his hands to shield his face.

INT. JEWGE'S NEW HOUSE – NIGHT

CAPN HAMERICA wakes up on a couch with JEWGE, several years older than when we last saw him, sitting on an armchair across from him. CAPN HAMERICA looked around, confused.

CAPN HAMERICA

Where am I? Who are you, oldie?

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JEWGE

My name is Jewge, Captain. This is my house.

CAPN HAMERICA

How'd you know I was a Captain?

JEWGE

The Jewish spirits told me about you.

CAPN HAMERICA looks questioningly at JEWGE.

CAPN HAMERICA

Okaaaaay. But, how did you get me here? I was in the middle of the Nazi base.

JEWGE

I don't know, maybe the writers know but there wasn't a scene between you getting knocked out and you waking up here, let's just call it plot convenience.

CAPN HAMERICA

A lot of things seem to come down to plot convenience, don't they?

JEWGE

Hmmm… it is rather useful to have the writers on your side. They're not done with you yet. No matter, I rescued you because you might be able to defeat the Nazis. They keep murdering my clients, it is bad for business.

CAPN HAMERICA

Well, I already failed. I suppose you have a plan.

JEWGE

Well, you see, my business practices have brought into contact with many valuable items. One of these items is a helicarrier which goes underground. You were beaten

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because of the tunnel snake, which attacked from beneath. This machine, while certainly not suitable against an army of those things, has weapons which will be more than adequate to defeat the snake, after the snake is beaten the Nazis will scatter.

CAPN HAMERICA

And you'll just give me the helicarrier freely?

JEWGE

No, but the inordinate amount of money you carry in your pockets was enough. Really, if you want to keep that stuff away from other people, you should put it in a bank, not your mattress.

CAPN HAMERICA

I'll let you get away with it this time. Time to kill some aliens.

INT. NAZI WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

The warehouse has returned to normal, SOLDIERS milling and the TUNNEL SNAKE watching. The underground helicarrier bursts from the ground with CAPN HAMERICA on top brandishing a shotgun and his confederate flag. The SOLDIERS scatter. CAPN HAMERICA fires the shotgun at the TUNNEL SNAKE, which drops from its balcony and dies on the ground. The Nazis begin fleeing. CAPN HAMERICA addresses the audience.

CAPN HAMERICA

And that, kids, is why we shouldn't have gun control.

CAPN HAMERICA jumps down from the helicarrier to the ground, screams a high pitched battle cry, and chases after the Nazis with his flag.

EXT. NAZI WAREHOUSE – DAY

CAPN HAMERICA stands proudly with his flag, facing the sunrise.

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CAPN HAMERICA

What happened here must never happen again. With my new helicarrier, I will start an organization of people who will serve truth, justice, and the Hamerican way. I shall call it B.U.C.K.L.E.R. Amen.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. DEEP METH CAVES – DAY

MR N enters through one of the many tunnels leading into the chamber. Two BITCHES follow him.

MR N

Yo, bitch! You're goin' down!

STEWART, once again clothed, emerges from behind the giant meth crystal in the center of the room.

STEWART

Alright everyone, chill.

STEWART points at one bitch and shoots a beam from her hand at her and traps her in a crystal of meth. The other bitch runs in panic.

STEWART

Chill.

STEWART traps the second bitch in the same way as the first. MR N doesn't care.

STEWART

It would seem that I was not thorough enough if Rampage can still send in lackeys. It doesn't matter, you'll be dead soon.

MR N

I wouldn't be so confident.

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STEWART

Surely you wouldn't hurt a woman.

MR N raises his gun. STEWART darts back behind the meth crystal to avoid being shot by MR N, who instead only shoots where she stood before.

MR N

I'm black-man, not Batman. And you don't want to know what we do to white girls in the hood. By the way, Vanilla Meth is a shit name, just putting that out there.

STEWART

Hey, I didn't choose the name! (mutters) Fuckin' writers.

MR N keeps his gun raised and keeps a close eye on either side of the meth crystal. STEWART climbs up onto the top of the crystal where MR N cannot see her.

MR N

Get out here!

STEWART prepares to jump.

STEWART

Let's kick some ice.

STEWART jumps off of the crystal and lands directly behind MR N. He turns around to shoot her but she catches his arm before he can bring the gun all of the way around. STEWART tightens her grip, her fingernails dig into the flesh of his arm, and crystal meth begins forming around the punctures. MR N drops to his knees and groans in pain. STEWART smirks.

STEWART

I'm pumping you full of methamphetamine. There's so much that nobody could possibly survive.

MR N

There's one thing you're forgetting, Vanilla.

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MR N gets back on his feet and sneers down on STEWART, whose expression turns to fear.

MR N

I'm black.

MR N sharply inhales. VANILLA METH's incorporeal form is pulled out of STEWART's body. STEWART drops to the ground. VANILLA METH struggles to escape from being sucked into MR N.

MR N

Time to let it go!

The suction into MR N's nose and mouth strengthens and VANILLA METH is pulled in. MR N glows faintly with a blue aura, then he exhales and it dissipates. STEWART gets up, she is once again incapable of facial expression. She straightens up, brushes herself off, and approaches MR N.

STEWART

Mr N, what did you just do?

MR N

Well, I pulled Vanilla Meth into myself and crushed him with my drug-resistant cells.

STEWART

So he was under pressure.

MR N

Exactly.

STEWART

But even you shouldn't be able to handle that much meth, even I couldn't.

MR N

Yeah sure, but if you and extradimensional twins spend several years 420 blazing it every day with the D-O-double G you tend to build up a resistance to these things.

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STEWART

I see.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH. Stop flirting!

MR N and STEWART both put one hand to their earpieces.

STEWART

We weren't flirting.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

ARGH, you can never be too careful.

MR N

Boss, I am a living breathing black stereotype. You have to be the whitest motherfucker in the world to catch her attention.

RAMPAGE (O.S)

And what was that all that about what happens to white girls in the hood.

MR N

This movie has already done a lot of racial stereotyping. I don't think I should. Bad press, you know.

MR N and STEWART lower their hands.

STEWART

Do you think this fourth wall breaking is getting excessive?

MR N

Yeah, but we had no time to rehearse or do multiple takes. We blew the whole budget on a car.

STEWART

What's the car for?

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MR N

Birds. Anyway, we should get back to Rampage.

STEWART

Actually, I think I'll quit this whole secret agent thing. I don't want to go through this again. Maybe I'll go into acting.

MR N bursts into hysterical laughter

MR N

You do have a sense of humour, don't let anyone say otherwise.

MR N and STEWART exit through the tunnels. As they leave, MR N's hysterics continue and the tiniest hint of a smile touches STEWART's face.

INT. UNDERGROUND HELICARRIER, NICHOLAS RAMPAGE'S OFFICE – DAY

MR N stand in front of the desk. RAMPAGE sit behind it. A SKELETON is chained to the wall behind him.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, we need to interrogate Vanilla Meth.

MR N

Well he ain't takin' control of me, you'll have to put him in someone else. I really want him out of here, black people might go in prisons, but prisons should not go in black people.

RAMPAGE gestures at the SKELETON.

RAMPAGE

ARGH. Put him in Mr. Bones.

MR N walks up and touches the SKELETON which perks up and glows with a blue light.

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SKELETON

What's going on?

RAMPAGE

ARGH. 'I am Vanilla Meth'? You think you're the only super-powered junkie in the world? ARGH. Mr. Meth you have become part of a bigger universe, you just don't know it yet.

SKELETON

Who the hell are you?

RAMPAGE

Nicholas Rampage. ARGH. Director of B.U.C.K.L.E.R.

SKELETON

Oh, I can't recognize you when you're high.

RAMPAGE

ARGH. I'm here to talk to you about the Methvenger initiative.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. JEWTOWN CITY HALL – NIGHT

The CITIZENS of the city fill an audience in front of a stage at the room's front. JEWGE sits at the back near the door. The people in the room softly mutter amongst themselves, but no-one talks to JEWGE. A microphone screeches and silences the room. ANNIE FRANKIE (ANNIE) walks slowly onto the stage carrying the microphone, her eyes are glazed over. She raises the microphone to her mouth.

ANNIE

People of Jewtown. Hear the voice of your new overlord.

Justin Bieber's "Baby" plays through the speakers along the

64

walls. The crowd falls from their chairs and roll on the floor, screaming in agony. JEWGE covers his ears with his hands and groans with exertion as he staggers toward the door, in an attempt to escape.

INT. NEWSROOM – NIGHT

A NEWSREADER sits at his desk and reads the news to the camera under the headline graphic reading "Holocaust 2: Electric Boogaloo"

NEWSREADER

Contact with Jewtown has been cut off overnight. No-one has come out of the city since its going silent and the military deployments sent to investigate have disappeared. The last broad cast to come out of the city of population 69 million was this sound.

An extremely broken up, poor quality, barely discernible rendition of "Baby" plays for a few seconds then stops suddenly.

INT. UNDERGROUND HELI-CARRIER CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

CAPN HAMERICA stands with his back to a wall of computers. In front of him stands RAMPAGE without his eye-patches, peg legs, hook hands, parrots, and beard. Instead he is dressed in a black trench coat and sunglasses like a Matrix character. Alongside him are VANILLA METH to his left and AGENT HARLAND (HARLAND), a mildly overweight guy wearing steampunk clothes and a steampunk hat and some other steampunk accessories, to the right.

CAPN HAMERICA

Agent Rampage, Agent Ice, Agent Harland.

Each character nods when referred to. (VANILLA METH is Agent Ice)

CAPN HAMERICA

Y'all know the mission. Jewtown has dun goofed up and disappeared. We gotta go find out what happened. Are ya ready?

65

RAMPAGE

Sounds easy.

VANILLA METH

This is a chilling mystery that needs solving.

HARLAND

(excitedly) Steeeeeeampunk!

CAPN HAMERICA

Good enough, let's go.

EXT. JEWTOWN STREETS – DAY

CAPN HAMERICA, RAMPAGE, VANILLA METH and HARLAND stand in the abandoned street. They are looking around, mystified.

RAMPAGE

Where is everyone?

HARLAND points nervously down an alleyway, where a SHADOWY FIGURE lurks.

HARLAND

(nervously) Steampunk?

CAPN HAMERICA

Hey get out here!

VANILA METH

He's giving you the cold shoulder.

The SHADOWY FIGURE stands and looms menacingly above the others, who have gathered around the entrance to the alleyway. VANILLA METH points at him and RAMPAGE pulls a gun from his belt and points it at the SHADOWY FIGURE.

VANILLA METH

Freeze!

The SHADOWY FIGURE steps out of the alley. It is JEWGE.

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JEWGE

Good, you guys still possess your usual personalities. That means you been infected.

HARLAND

(gleefully) Steampunk!

RAMPAGE

What do you mean infected.

JEWGE

Something horrible has happened. Our mayor, Annie Frankie, has been infected with Bieber Fever.

The others all gasp. HARLAND runs behind CAPN HAMERICA and clutches his leg.

HARLAND

(in panic) Steampunk!

CAPN HAMERICA shakes HARLAND off of his leg

CAPN HAMERICA

Get off there. (to JEWGE) How did this happen?

JEWGE

Well Justine Bieber himself went to Annie's museum and made offensive comments. With her under his control, he brought her here and got her to play his awful music in the town hall, turning the entire population of Jewtown into Beliebers. Soon he'll spread his influence across the entire world.

RAMPAGE

I thought Bieber fever only affected preteen girls.

67

JEWGE

It should, but recently Justine got some regrettable tattoos, vastly enhancing his power, he needs to be stopped.

HARLAND nods emphatically.

HARLAND

(hopefully) Steampunk?

CAPN HAMERICA

(to JEWGE) Where is he?

JEWGE

Still in the town hall.

CAPN HAMERICA

Let's go deport him.

INT. JEWTOWN CITY HALL – DAY

JUSTINE BIEBER stands in the center of the room with ANNIE FRANKIE standing motionless beside him. The chairs that populated the room earlier have disappeared. The CITIZENS of Jewtown crowd around them, with blank looks on their faces. JUSTINE BIEBER is urinating into a janitorial bucket. "Baby" still plays. He spits on one of the citizens standing to his side.

JUSTINE BIEBER

You're a great girl Annie. It's great that now you're a belieber.

ANNIE FRANKIE

Yes, master Justine.

The ground begins to rumble. The CITIZENS move away from a spot on the floor where a giant drill bursts through. JUSTINE BIEBER turns around and stares in shock. All others turn to look at the drill. A hatch on the drill's side opens, "Baby" suddenly stops. Inside the drill vehicle it is misty and we cannot see who occupies it. VANILLA METH emerges.

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VANILLA METH

Cool party.

RAMPAGE exits after him. He is followed by HARLAND.

HARLAND

(threateningly) Steampunk.

They move forward and stand on either side of VANILLA METH. Finally, CAPN HAMERICA steps out to stand in front of his Agents. He looks JUSTINE BIEBER directly in the eye.

CAPN HAMERICA

It's over Canadian. (to VANILLA METH) Ice, unhypnotise these people.

VANILLA METH steps up to ANNIE FRANKIE and places a hand on her forehead, tendrils of crystal meth crawl out of his fingers and into her nose, mouth and ears.

VANILLA METH

Ice to meet you.

The tendrils of meth pull back and VANILLA ICE lowers his hand. ANNIE FRANKIE's eyes are no longer glazed over and she looks around in horror.

JUSTINE BIEBER

I can't let you do this. (to the CITIZENS) Beliebers, attack!

He points at his enemies as he says this. The CITIZENS all open their mouths and a high pitched screeching is emitted from them. CAPN HAMERICA, RAMPAGE, VANILLA METH, HARLAND and ANNIE FRANKIE all drop to their knees and cover their ears with their hands. They clench their teeth and groan in agony. JUSTINE BIEBER stares coldly at them. The screeching does not let up. HARLAND, agonizingly slowly, lowers his hands to his steampunk guitar. He lifts one leg off its knee.

HARLAND

(defiantly) Steeeeeeeeeeeampuuuuuuuuuuunk!

He raises his right hand high and suddenly drops it into

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the strings of the guitar, plucking all at once. It emits a metallic thrum. Steam starts churning out of the various brass pipes protruding from HARLAND's back and his many steampunk accessories. He plays the guitar strings again. Another metallic thrum. The screeching of the CITIZENS falters. JUSTINE BIEBER looks uneasy. HARLAND raises his hand again. CAPN HAMERICA falls onto the ground on his back, unable to continue fighting. RAMPAGE and VANILLA METH see HARLAND's raised hand. RAMPAGE spins on his heels to face away from HARLAND while VANILLA METH lunges at the steampunk guitar. Tendrils of meth grow from his fingers and reach towards the guitar.

VANILLA METH

No!

HARLAND

(triumphantly) Steampunk!

His hand crashes down on the guitar strings. A third, much louder, metallic thrum. Chunks of the ceiling fall in. JUSTINE BIEBER stares up in horror. Steam now belches in a huge burst from HARLAND's brass pipes. VANILLA METH explodes in blue light and a giant spider web of crystal meth grows outward from where he stood.

INT. UNDERGROUND HELICARRIER, NICHOLAS RAMPAGE'S OFFICE – DAY

RAMPAGE, now in the appearance in which we first met him, sits behind the desk. HARLAND sits in front, on the edge of tears.

RAMPAGE

ARGH, I'm in charge now! You fucked up, ARGH! Bieber might be defeated but Capn Hamerica is trapped in the ice, we won't be able to get him out 70 years, ARGH. Agent Ice is dead, everyone in Jewtown is trapped being high forever, and you turned Jewtown into meth! ARGH, this new 'Meth City' isn't even the biggest problem! That's the fact that you turned me into a blind, echolocation fueled pirate! You're fired, ARGH!

HARLAND stands and walks out of the room dejectedly.

70

RAMPAGE

ARGH, well fuck me.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. MR B'S SHACK – DAY

MR B lies on the floor in his run-down shack. He is smoking a blunt. Someone knocks on the door, on the third knock the door falls in and kicks up a cloud of dust. The dust settles and MR N enters, he picks up the knocked over door and leans it against the wall. MR B glances in his twin's direction but doesn't move. MR N stands next to MR B's head and looks down into his face. MR B blows a cloud of smoke into MR N's face. MR N sucks the smoke into his nose.

MR B

What do you want?

MR N

You've been missing for too long. The black council wants to talk.

MR B

The black council can go fuck itself. There ain't nothing needs doing. No damn crises, go away.

MR N

Are you going pale? What do you think took me so long? Vanilla Meth tried to blow up Meth City.

MR B

Fuckin' whitey.

MR N

Stand up. You don't have ebola, look presentable.

MR B

I might need some help.

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MR N look up in annoyance. He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a fried chicken leg. He hands it to MR B. MR B snatches it up bites it all down in seconds. He stands up. Three more people enter, MR NOIR, MR SCHWARTZ, and MR NEGRO. They all look identical to MR B and MR N. Everyone removes their sunglasses, their eyes are all glassy and pure black. They all stand in a circle.

MR NOIR

The black council. All in attendance. Mr Noir.

MR SCHWARTZ

Mr Schwartz.

MR NEGRO

Mr Negro

MR B

Mr Black.

MR N

Do I have to say it?

MR NOIR

Yes.

MR N

You all know my name. Let's dispense with formalities.

MR NEGRO

No.

Everyone now stares at MR N.

MR N

It's really offensive.

MR SCHWARTZ

Say it.

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MR N

The movie'll get banned.

MR B

Who's turning pale now?

MR N sighs.

MR N

Fine. Mr Ni-.

(MR N's name is censored but it is clearly a two syllable word.)

MR NOIR

Good. Now to business. There's a situation. B.U.C.K.L.E.R. has been destroyed.

MR B AND MR N

What!?

EXT. DESERT – NIGHT

A comet is hurtling towards the ground.

MR NOIR (O.S)

Last night, an unidentified object crashed into the desert.

The comet hits the ground and a shockwave of rocks and dust.

INT. UNDERGROUND HELICARRIER HANGAR – NIGHT

Several rows of planes fill the large room. A number of EGINEERS wander about doing maintenance on the planes.

MR SCHWARTZ (O.S)

A few hours later the underground helicarrier was attacked.

There is loud bang, as if someone outside is hitting the ship really hard. The ENGINEERS stop working and look up. There is another bang. The lights all turn red. An alarm sounds.

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ALARM

We are under attack. All personnel, stop doing blunts, we have business.

Several dozen TUNNEL SNAKES drill into the room leaving holes behind them, which more TUNNEL SNAKES pour out of. The ENGINEERS try to run but most get grabbed by the TUNNEL SNAKES and crushed in a boa constrictor manner.

RAMPAGE (OVER PA SYSTEM)

AAAAARGH!

A huge door opens at one end of the hangar. Water floods out. Carried on the torrent is a pirate ship. RAMPAGE mans the wheel and STEWART and SKELETON stand at the prow.

RAMPAGE

Methvengers assemble! ARGH!

The water has knocked over several TUNNEL SNAKES but they regain their footing quickly and the water drains away. RAMPAGE, STEWART and SKELETON jump off of the pirate ship as it tips over. RAMPAGE lands among a large group of TUNNEL SNAKES.

RAMPAGE

ARGH!

A shockwave comes out of RAMPAGE's mouth as he yells and it knocks of the TUNNEL SNAKES in front of him to the ground. He turns to hit another TUNNEL SNAKE with one of his hook hands. SKELETON is amongst a scattered group of TUNNEL SNAKES. He rapidly shoot blue beams from his hands and encases many TUNNEL SNAKES in crystal meth. One TUNNEL SNAKE gets near SKELETON, he grasps it by the head and tendrils of meth crawl into its skull, killing it. SKELETON releases the TUNNEL SNAKE and it drops to the floor. STEWART has landed inside a circle of TUNNEL SNAKES. They turn to face her. STEWART scrunches her face.

STEWART

Er… hm… um…

The TUNNEL SNAKES run in terror.

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TUNNEL SNAKE 3

Get away!

TUNNEL SNAKE 4

Help ussssss!

TUNNEL SNAKE 5

The acting is too mediocre!

STEWART and RAMPAGE face each other.

RAMPAGE

ARGH!

STEWART

Hrm…

They both respectively release visible shockwaves at each other. When the waves hit a transparent ball of air is formed. SKELETON fires a spike of crystal meth into the ball. It explodes outward in blue light. When the light dies down all of the TUNNEL SNAKES in the room are dead. More TUNNEL SNAKES spring from the holes in the walls to replace their fallen brethren. More TUNNEL SNAKES come out of the door RAMPAGE, STEWART and SKELETON entered through. Amongst them is the TUNNEL KING. He hisses.

INT. MR B'S SHACK – NIGHT

MR B, MR N, MR NOIR, MR SCHWARTZ and MR NEGRO stand where we left them. MR B and MR N are shocked speechless.

MR NEGRO

It is the decision of the black council that we must stop these tunnel snakes.

MR B

I'm gonna kill those…

MR N

…sons of bitches.

EXT. DESTROYED UNDERGROUND HELICARRIER – NIGHT

Pieces of debris from the underground helicarrier lay

75

strewn around the area. Beside the largest piece stands MR B, MR N, MR NOIR, MR SCHWARTZ and MR NEGRO. They are looking through the piles of scrap metal. MR N lifts a rather large panel. He leans over his shoulder towards the rest of the group.

MR N

I found something!

MR N throws the panel to the ground. Behind the panel is STEWART forlornly holding a skull in her hand. The others run over.

STEWART

Alas poor Vanilla. I knew him Capn Hamerica.

STEWART looks up at everyone else crowding over her.

STEWART

Hey guys.

MR SCHWARTZ

She seems rather unfased by the five 7 foot tall black men crowding over her.

MR NEGRO

Probably never been to the hood. She's so pale.

MR B

She's been to the hood. That's Agent Christine Stewart.

MR SCHWARTZ

Right, and she can't feel emotions.

STEWART

You seem different. What happened to the excessive swearing?

MR N

The black stereotyping is just an act. We

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need to maintain appearances but shit just got real, ain't no more time for that. The stakes are too damn high. Where are the tunnel snakes?

STEWART

Underneath us. They'll be here in a few minutes. Good luck fighting them.

MR NOIR

Not helping?

STEWART

Things are getting too dangerous. You fight them, I need to sleep with the director so he doesn't kill off my character.

STEWART stands up. She glows brightly. When the glow fades she has disappeared. Everyone remaining quickly moves to an open spot inside the wreckage of an aircraft. They stand in a circle and wait. They all summon shotguns out of thin air. Suddenly a swarm of TUNNEL SNAKES burst from the ground around them and lunge toward the circle. MR B, MR N, MR NOIR, MR SCHWARTZ and MR NEGRO are buried under the TUNNEL SNAKES. All light is sucked out of the area around the heap. There is an explosion of darkness that throws all of the TUNNEL SNAKES back and kills them. MR B, MR N, MR NOIR, MR SCHWARTZ and MR NEGRO stand where they were before, unfazed. More TUNNEL SNAKES burst from the ground around them and rush forward. The crowd converges. First in the circle, MR B fires his shotgun at one TUNNEL SNAKE and hit another with the butt of the weapon. To his right, MR N creates balls of darkness in his hands and punches a TUNNEL SNAKE, turning it to ash, then swings his other hand at another TUNNEL SNAKE, it turns to ash. Next in the circle is MR SCHWARTZ, who swirls black lightning around himself and blasts it into several TUNNEL SNAKES, electrocuting them. Fourth around is MR NEGRO, he holds his shotgun sideways and points it toward some TUNNEL SNAKES and glares at them, they begin to cower, then the shotgun fires and they are blown apart. Finally is MR NOIR, who doubles in size and grabs two TUNNEL SNAKES in each hand and throws them then sweeps his arm across his body and knocks down a large group of TUNNEL SNAKES. The TUNNEL SNAKES just keep coming, there is no end to them. Out of one of the holes in

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the ground comes the TUNNEL KING.

MR B

We're never gonna win this. It's time for drastic measures.

MR NOIR

Agreed. Alright everyone, we're going to combine!

Everyone faces into the circle. MR NOIR puts his fist in the center.

MR NOIR

Noir.

MR B places his fist on top of MR NOIR's fist.

MR B

Black.

MR NEGRO places his fist in with the rest.

MR NEGRO

Negro.

MR SCHWARTZ adds his fist.

MR SCHWARTZ

Schwartz.

MR N reluctantly puts his hand on top of the rest.

MR N

Ni-.

MR N's name is once again censored.

ALL

By our powers combined we are Captain Africa.

An immense black ball surrounds them. It dissipates and the people within have been replaced by CAPTAIN AFRICA, who is identical to MR B, MR N and the others except he stands 8

78

feet tall rather than 7. Under one arm he carries a bucket of fried chicken, in the other hand he holds a purple light-saber. The TUNNEL SNAKES and the TUNNEL KING stop in their tracks, their jaws drop in shock. CAPTAIN AFRICA unhinges his jaw and pours the whole bucket of chicken into his mouth. He swallows then throws the bucket aside.

CAPTAIN AFRICA

Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane! Everybody strap in!

He holds his empty hand in the air a thick black cloud spreads across the field until suddenly they are in

EXT. PRISON COURTYARD – DAY

CAPTAIN AFRICA stands in the center of the courtyard. Behind him is a large group of BLACK MEN in orange jumpsuits. To his right is the DJ behind a dj desk with a set of speaker behind him. In front of CAPTAIN AFRICA is the TUNNEL KING and a small group of TUNNEL SNKAES. The area is surrounded by tall fences.

CAPTAIN AFRICA

Hit it.

The DJ presses a button and the most gangsterest gangster rap plays out of the speakers. The BLACK MEN start making gang signs towards the TUNNEL SNAKES, who begin backing away. CAPTIAN AFRICA spins and twirls his purple lightsaber. He and the BLACK MEN advance. Step by step the TUNNEL SNAKES are pushed against the fence behind them. The BLACK MEN continue to advance. The TUNNEL SNAKES press against each other, desperately trying to escape. Eventually they run out of room. The BLACK MEN all pull shivs out of their jumpsuits. They begin to take the last few steps toward the TUNNEL SNAKES. CAPTAIN AFRICA raises his arms in the air.

CAPTAIN AFRICA

Where my dogs at!?

BLACK MEN

Right here!

CAPTAIN AFRICA points at the TUNNEL SNAKES.

79

CAPTAIN AFRICA

See them ni-s!?

BLACK MEN

What where!?

CAPTAIN AFRICA

Get 'em boys!

BLACK MEN

Right there!

The BLACK MEN charge into the TUNNEL SNAKES and start shanking them.

CAPTAIN AFRICA

That's how we do!

BLACK MEN

Aight there!

CAPTAIN AFRICA encroaches on the TUNNEL KING

CAPTAIN AFRICA

This is for my dogs!

He grabs the TUNNEL KING around the throat.

CAPTAIN AFRICA

This is for my dogs! (yells upwards) Yo, where we at baby!?

He plunges the purple light-saber into the TUNNEL KING, who dies. All of the TUNNEL SNAKES are now dead.

BLACK MEN

Creepin' through the fog!

Rap stops. CAPTAIN AFRICA is extremely angry

CAPTAIN AFRICA

Where the fuckin' hood at!?

80

BLACK MEN

(chanting) It's all good, dog's in the hood.

CAPTAIN AFRICA begins to calm.

CAPTAIN AFRICA

No-one's fuckin' with me ni-! For real!

CAPTAIN AFRICA calms further.

CAPTAIN AFRICA

I am the hood! I am the street!

CAPTAIN AFRICA bellows with rage then collapses on the ground. The chanting stops. CAPTAIN AFRICA stands up.

CAPTAIN AFRICA

Good job guys.

FADE OUT:

ROLL CREDITS:

THE END


End file.
